No, no, I’m innocent, I tell you…
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive but unconscious. He decided to take him home.When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God, I must have killed that motorist!"
Vacation complications…
Finally having scraped enough money together for a trip to the Bahamas, Todd arrived only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted to stay, the St. Regis, charged $200 a day.Although that included a continental breakfast, the pool and free golf, he simply couldn't afford that much money.
Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit as nice but it only cost $50 a day. Settling in, he decided to get in a few rounds of golf before sunset.
Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of balls from the Pro Shop.
"That will be $100," said the man behind the counter.
"What?" screamed Todd. "That's outrageous! They're free at the St. Regis!"
"Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get you by the rooms. We on the other hand…”
Never argue with a drunk…
A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus.
The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front."Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "Why shouldI?!... .. I had top walk all the way!"
The evangelist act…
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in therafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters: "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
Tired of Little Johnny? Here’s Little Benny…
Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework again..."
"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny. "I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!"
Don’t let anyone hijack your happiness. Keep Smiling and enjoy.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
The value of a well rounded education...
A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit.
After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.
She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
In spelling class…
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.
The first kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
The second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
The next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh. ..."
The teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford won’t never spell electrician."
Not the answer she was looking for…
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said '3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's why I failed the maths test."
Sometimes, it’s not what you say, but…
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared, "Local Honey Dates Nuts."
A little wishful thinking…
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
Getting rid of the deadwood…
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
Federal tax terminology…
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty-five cents?
Yes, Tax Season is upon us. Ah well, we will get through this too.
This World is far from perfect, but each of us can put forth an effort to make it a little better. Start with the ones who are nearest and dearest to you, then look out to see those who are most in need and do what you can. We will all be better for it.
Until next time, keep smiling and enjoy life.
After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.
She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
In spelling class…
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.
The first kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
The second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
The next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh. ..."
The teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford won’t never spell electrician."
Not the answer she was looking for…
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said '3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's why I failed the maths test."
Sometimes, it’s not what you say, but…
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared, "Local Honey Dates Nuts."
A little wishful thinking…
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
Getting rid of the deadwood…
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
Federal tax terminology…
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty-five cents?
Yes, Tax Season is upon us. Ah well, we will get through this too.
This World is far from perfect, but each of us can put forth an effort to make it a little better. Start with the ones who are nearest and dearest to you, then look out to see those who are most in need and do what you can. We will all be better for it.
Until next time, keep smiling and enjoy life.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Starting off the new year
The New Year is here and we may want to reflect back on the past year and wonder what the upcoming year will bring us.
But there is one constant from year to year and that is you. Sometimes we wonder at how can one, ordinary person, make a difference in this world. If I try to do things to make this world better, it will be only a ripple felt by few, if felt at all.
How sad.
But think of this: many ripples can make a wave and many waves, a storm. A storm of kindness that begins with you, and others like you, each one doing something to make the world a better place. Enough somethings to bind in a force to truly be felt.In this coming year, I may not be able to do much, but I will do what I can to make this world a better place.
I hope you will too.
But there is one constant from year to year and that is you. Sometimes we wonder at how can one, ordinary person, make a difference in this world. If I try to do things to make this world better, it will be only a ripple felt by few, if felt at all.
How sad.
But think of this: many ripples can make a wave and many waves, a storm. A storm of kindness that begins with you, and others like you, each one doing something to make the world a better place. Enough somethings to bind in a force to truly be felt.In this coming year, I may not be able to do much, but I will do what I can to make this world a better place.
I hope you will too.
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